Essay: How would you define fuckbuddies?

I think that having or being a fuckbuddy is a really wonderful thing, but I was recently alerted to the fact that not everyone thinks this way. Some folk view a friends-with-benefits connection as something sleazy, or a downgrade on a 'real' relationship, because the classic definition says that these are people who see each other only for sex. That's not how I view it though, so I wondered if perhaps I'm using the wrong word. Let me explain what I mean by it.

To me, fuckbuddies are excellent friends; very special people, with a level of chemistry and connection that is rare. Because you have to be amazing to be my close friend, and really fun to have sex with if I'm going to want to keep fucking you, so to be both of those things together is pretty damn fantastic. Only a very small number of my friends are fuckbuddies. To quote Cher Horowitz, "you see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet."

The more I thought about it, the more I figured that it doesn't sound much different to other types of relationships, as I love my friends and always try to be here for them when things get tough. When I go round to see fuckbuddies we often call it a 'fuck date', but there's usually a lot of chat involved that evening too, plus kissing and cuddles. Those emotions that the Urban Dictionary definitions are so keen to tell me don't exist for fuckbuddies, are there all the time with mine in various ways. So, instead, I started thinking about what fuckbuddies aren't.

Fuckbuddies aren't romantic. They don't celebrate their anniversary, or book a table at a restaurant for Valentine's Day. Fuckbuddies never assume they're on the relationship escalator, going from dating to girlfriend/boyfriend/partner to moving in together. Fuckbuddies don't get upset when the other doesn't text for a while but they might get worried and check in, asking "are you okay?" They care about the other person in the way a good friend does, but they're not going to get pissed off if you forget their birthday.

Writing in a 2016 article for Vogue on 'Why Friends With Benefits Are the Most Sustainable Relationships', Karley Sciortino seemed to think that the benefits mostly consist of allowing monogamous folk to have fun sex without jealously. Of course, being polyamorous, that's not really a benefit for me because I get it from all my relationships, however, one ex-FWB who she quotes in the article sums it up rather well for me:

"Having a friend with benefits is great because it’s just—it’s just less annoying. It’s more of a low-intensity intimacy. It’s not encumbered by obligations, which just lead to resentment. [...] When you’re in a friends with benefits situation, you don’t have go to the other person’s awful friend’s birthday party. But if you behave like that within a conventional relationship, it causes problems."

So, perhaps that's what it is? Fuckbuddies isn't a sexual relationship without the emotion, it's the relationship without the obligation. I still wonder if I'm using the wrong word to effectively describe this most satisfying of connections, but I can't think of another right now. If you have any suggestions, please let me know!